(Rose is dating a friend from work
at the Grief Counseling Center, Dr. Jonathan Newman, who's a midget, when
Blanche walks out of her bedroom and notices him.)
Blanche: I'm sorry but we already have a subscription to the Miami Herald.
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche this is Dr. Jonathan Newman, Rose's date.
Blanche: But Dorothy, he's...
Dorothy: (cutting Blanche off) ..A little early! Yes!
(Then Rose walks out from the Kitchen)
Rose: Oh hi Jonathan.
Jonathan: Hello Rose, you're looking lovely tonight!
Blanche: (Beginning to chuckle.) Rose Nylund, you devil you!
Blanche: I know what's going on here! You were mad at Dorothy and I for inviting your friend to dinner without asking, so you hired this boy to come and teach me a lesson! (Delivering a fake punch to Rose's arm. Blanche looks at Rose) Hehehehehehe! (Then she looks at Dorothy) Hehehehehehe!! (Then Blanche looks straight ahead towards the audience) Heheheheeeee! Oh God I wish I was dead!
Dorothy: Let's go into the kitchen and get the auderves.
Blanche: Good idea.
(The two walk into the kitchen)
Blanche: Oh God I made a fool out of myself, didn't I?
Blanche: Oh God, I just feel so awful! I've got to stop this!
Dorothy: If you don't want this night to turn into a total disaster then I suggest you go back out there and act normal.
Blanche: Yes. You're right. Dr Newman is a guest in our house. If I act strange then he'll think he's not welcome. I can't do that. It would be... unsouthern!
Dorothy: (Patting Blanche on the back) That's a good Belle!
(Blanche walks out of the kitchen with a plate of SHRIMP, as Dorothy follows.)
Blanche: (Holding the plate of SHRIMP out) Sh-Rimp?
Kevin: A geek is someone who stays at home on Saturday nights and curls up with a book instead of going out.
(Dorothy points her finger at Sophia)
Dorothy: One word out of you and I'll cut off your supply of Metamucil!
(Sophia walks into the kitchen)
Sophia: Hello girls, what's shaking?
Rose: Blanche's breasts! That's why she's--
Dorothy: Shut up Rose!
Blanche: I've decided what I'm gonna use my Bonus Check money for.
Blanche: I'm gonna have my breasts enlarged!
Rose: Blanche, why would you want to do that?
Blanche: Rose, breasts are back in fashion! Besides, what God didn't give me, Dr.Norman Rosenswag will! He's the Picasso of Plastic Surgery!
Dorothy: Just make sure he doesn't attach one to your forehead!
Boss @ Sunny Pastures: So, you're
here to check in your mother?
Sophia: No, I'm here to check in my collection of plates. Of course I'm here to check my mother in!
Boss: So, tell me about your mother's history.
Sophia: Picture it. Sicily. 1900. An olive skin woman sets out for the new world. On her journey, the ship is filled with all sorts of diseases like smallpox, consumption, and scurrvy. And that was in the business class.
Boss: I meant her medical history!
Sophia: What did you think I was talking about? The ride was no picnic! The woman jumped off the boat and swam into the ship's bulkhead! That's why they had to put a metal plate in her head which caused her to recieve HBO through her eyeballs.
Sophia: My hiney's asleep.
Dorothy: Fine, we'll keep our voices down.
Sophia: You know something, when I turn my hearing aid up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale!
Sophia: I found my lucky handkerchief.
Rose:Where was it?
Sophia: It was in my bra.
Rose: What was it doing in your bra?
Sophia: I was blowing my breasts, Rose!
Rose: Do we have to kill the minks?
Sophia: No, Rose, many women like wearing coats that urinate!
(Rose slams the door after a date
Blanche: Oh hi Rose.
Rose: Hi Blanche.
Blanche: What's wrong?
Rose: Oh it's Miles. Lately he's been kind of, well, tight and I hate it.
Blanche: Well I'm just the opposite, I love a tight man. Tight man with cast iron pecs....Thighs that could choke a bear.....Butt you could eat breakfast off of...Then the two of us would...(She looks at Rose) Well Rose! When'd you get in?!
Rose: Blanche, I've been here the whole time! I was telling you about Miles being tight!
Blanche: Oh I LOVE A TIGHT MAN! Tight man with cast iron pecs, and thighs--
Rose: No, tight with money! He's cheap!
Blanche: Tight with money? DUMP him!
Blanche: Tell me something, girls.
Am I competent in what I do?
Rose: Based on the sounds from your bedroom, I'd say you're damn near spectacular!
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche. This is coming from a woman whose bumper sticker says:"So many Men, So little time."
Sophia: I need some advice, Rose.
Rose: And you are asking me?
Sophia: Frightening isn't it?
Dorothy: I'd kill Gloria if she
wrote a book about my sexual life.
Sophia: You'd kill your sister over a pamphlet?
Dorothy: Shut up Ma!
Blanche: Charmaine, I cannot believe
you'd do such a thing! This book is nothing but sheer and utter filth!
(Sophia and Stan's cousin Magda begin to fight over the last copy of Charmaine's book.)
Sophia: I got it first!
Magda: No I did!
Sophia: Did not!
Dorothy: President Reagan got it! Who the hell cares?!
Rose: Hello? Oh yes, hold on. Blanche, it's Charmaine.
Blanche: Oh, ok. (Walks over to the phone and slams it down.) Bye! Bye!
Rose: Blanche, you should be ashamed!! She's your sister!
Blanche: Yes and just when we were getting along she turns into a deceitful old woman who goes behind my back and makes a novel out of my life! No offense to you, Sophia.
Sophia: None taken...Slut.
Magda: My sister stab me in back
Blanche: What did you do?
Magda: I turn her in to Secret Police.
Blanche: And then what?
Magda: I turn her in to Secret Police! No more to tell!
Magda: So now I go back to my country.
Your story has helped me make decision, Rose.
Rose: But I only went back home!
Sophia: Shut up, she's leaving!
Dorothy: Rex Huntington? Isn't
he the man who stood you up twice?
Blanche: You're enjoying this, aren't you?
Blanche: That Rex Huntington stood
me up again! I feel wasted, stood up, worthless. Explain it to them, Dorothy.
Dorothy: This is the thrid time isn't it?
Dorothy: 3 whole times....wow....3 times!...hahahahahaaaaa!!!!...Count them!! 1, 2, 3 !! hahahahahahaaaa!!!!!
Sophia: Hello, I'm the new Activities
Elderly Woman: What's your name, honey?
Elderly Woman: Sophia, move it, you're blocking the television!
Rose: Blanche, let's face it, you're beautiful and sexy all the time! You've got an outstanding figure, Betty Davis eyes, and.....Freddy Krueger hands!
(Blanche walks out into the Living
Room wearing a fire red dress for Phil's funeral.)
Blanche: Ok, I'm ready!
Dorothy: To run with the bulls in Pamplona?
Rose: I know why you haven't talked
about Phil's death, Sophia. You're angry because he died. But you shouldn't
be angry! Talk it out!
Sophia: Thank you, I was just psychoanalyzed by a dipstick.
Angela: (Phil's wife)Oh he's so
handsome! I don't think I've ever seen Phil in a tuxedo. When was this, his
Rose: You know what I think?
Blanche: That reindeer really know how to fly?
(Dorothy's best friend from high
school, Trudy McMahon, is coming to Miami to visit.)
Dorothy: But mostly it's about seeing Trudy again! Oh a girl never had a better friend than Trudy McMahon!
Sophia: Oh nothing, my underwear just hiked up on me! Right while you were lying.
Dorothy: Lying? Why do you think I'm lying?
Sophia: A girl never had a better friend than Trudy McMahon? Somebody here doesn't remember Prom night 1946!
Rose: Why, what happened?
Sophia: I don't know, I'm that somebody!
(Still talking about Trudy McMahon)
Dorothy: I think what Ma is referring to is a little practical joke that Trudy played on me. You know, all of the girls on the tennis team decided we would our tennis whites to the prom. Well, I showed up, and I was the only one!
Blanche and Rose: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
Blanche: Your date must've been horrified!
Sophia: Na, her brother was a really good sport about it!
(Dorothy comes into the living
room from the Lanai. She takes a seat on the sofa beside Blanche, who's eating
her famous Chips Ahoy! and laughing goofily.)
Dorothy: You're in a good mood, aren't you Blanche?
Blanche: Yes! Oh Dorothy, you always could see right through me!
Sophia: Keep it up with those Chips Ahoy! and no one will be able to ever see through you again!
(Blanche & Rose practicing
for their parts in the Sound Of Music.)
Rose: (Hollering) The Nazis are coming! The Nazis are coming!
(Sophia runs in from the kitchen)
Sophia: Quick! Everybody grab a gun and get into the basement!
(Dorothy comes in from the storm
Dorothy: Wow, it's really coming down out there!
Rose: What is?
Dorothy: The Liberacci Marquee Band at Caesar's Palace!!! The rain, Rose! The rain!
Dorothy: Well, Kate is an Interior
Designer in New York, and Michael is a very successful musician.
Stan: Yeah, he didn't want to join in the Novelty business.
Dorothy: Yes, Stanley. Michael would rather spend his life as a successful musician at the Boston Philharmonic than spend his life selling plastic dog poop!
(Blanche and Rose come in the back
door into the kitchen. They are dressed in Nun's outfits. Angelo walks into
Dorothy: Uh, Uncle Angelo, these are my two best friends. I'd like you to meet, uh, uh----
Rose: (stepping forward) I'm Sister Rose.
Blanche: (Stepping Forward) And I'm Sister Blanche. (Looks down at her bra in her hands) And we're collecting lingerie for needy, sexy people!
Rose: The rain let up, but it's still pretty windy!! I'm gonna go out on the lawn and see if I can get airborn!!!
Rose: Want some breakfast?
Sophia: Not if you're making it!
Dorothy: You're not getting into
Stan: Then where am I supposed to sleep?
Dorothy: On the floor, like any dog!
Sophia: (To Angelo, Blanche, and
Rose) Look!! It's Saint Frances of Azzee! (She then yanks on Stan's tie until
he's face level. Then she slaps him.)
Stan: What was that for!?
Sophia: Just shut up and play hardball, ya yutz!
(The phone rings while Angelo and
"Sister Blanche" are setting in the Living Room.)
Blanche: I'll get it! Hello? Walter? Oh I feel like a caged animal in heat too!....Oh?...What am I wearing?...Walter, you'll never guess, but I'm wearin' a Nun's outfit!...Oh!..Uh-huh!...Oh I'll be right over as soon as the storm lets up!!!
(Angelo stares at her after she hangs up)
Blanche: Uh, he's a leper!?
Dorothy: Rose, I hope you don't
mind, I'm borrowing your Golf gloves.
Rose: Oh, you have a date?
Blanche: With a man?
Dorothy: No, Blanche! With a Venus Flytrap!!!! Of course with a man!
Dorothy: I tell ya what. Ma, how
would you like to go golfing with me and Raymond today?
Sophia: I'd love to! But, I don't own any ugly, Plaid polyester. (Looks over at Rose) Do you have anything in a size 6?
Blanche: Why Rose, you can't run
for Fashion Show chairman!
Rose: Why not?
Blanche: You have no taste! Why, you thought Giorgio Armani was a puppett on the Ed Sullivan Show!
Dorothy: Which goes better? The
chain or the pearls?
Rose: The Chain.
Blanche: An amateur's mistake! Can't you see that the chain accentuates that long, turkey-like neck?
Rose: Yes, but the pearls draw attention to the non-existent bosom!
Blanche: Yes, but the chain hangs down and draws attention to that huge spare tire, and those square, manly hips!
Dorothy: Fine! Why don't I just put a sign on me that says, "Too ugly to live?"
Blanche: Fine, but what are you going to hang it from? The chain or the pearls?
Dorothy: None! I'm going to spray paint it on my hump!
Dorothy: But Ma, you said Charles
Sophia: Sure Dorothy, I made love with Charles DeGaulle! I could've been the First Lady of France but instead I married your father! A man who used to clean under his toenails with a shrimp fork!!
(Stan walks out the door)
Dorothy: Oh Ma, why did I ever marry that man?
Sophia: Because he knocked you up.
Dorothy: Why did I ever let that happen?
Sophia: Because he got you drunk.
Dorothy: Why am I having this conversation with you?!
Sophia: Beats the hell out of me!
(Rose just told Dorothy that Blanche's
brother isn't telling her he's gay.)
Sophia: Why won't you tell me?
Dorothy: Because it's none of your business, Ma.
Sophia: Fine! But you can't keep a secret from Sophia Petrillo! Whatever it is, I'll find it out with a few quick questions.
(Clayton walks into the kitchen)
Clayton: Hello, Ladies.
Sophia: So, Clayton, what do you think of the Miami weather so far?
Clayton: Why, I think it's been lovely!
Sophia: I see.....Have you ever been to Europe?
Clayton: No, but it's always been a dream of mine.
Sophia: Ok, how many fingers am I holding up?
Sophia: Ok, you can go back into the living room now. (Clayton walks back into the living room).....The Man's as gay as a picnic basket!
Dorothy: Ma, that is incredible! How'd you know?
Sophia: I heard him singing in the shower the other morning. He's the only man I know who knows all the words to "Send In The Clowns."
(Talking About Blanche's Brother-In-Law,
Dorothy:What a charming man
Rose:And so Handsome
Rose:Back in St.Olaf we would say Va-Va-Voom!
Dorothy:So, Thats where it comes from...
Rose is in the hospital for overworking)
Rose:I died, I died, and I came back!
Dorothy: Honey, No, you passed out...Just like that time you drank three margaritas and thought that you were the dancing broom from Fantasia!
Guy from reunion: You're Kim Fung
Toi? You've changed!
Rose: Same on inside, different on outside!
Dorothy: Oh My God! You've just upset Kim Fung Toi!
(Rose is talking to Blanche's brother
Clayton about telling him they told her he's gay. Blanche walks in.)
Rose: Blanche is a kind, compassionate person..
Blanche: Get away from my brother you empty headed twit!
Rose:...and then sometimes she can be a real bitch!
(Blanche went on a diet and she
just went to the refrigerator only to discover that her daily shake and her
small tuna kish was missing.)
Blanche: What happened to my tuna kish? (no answer, Rose starts to slink away towards Dorothy) Rose, where's my tuna kish?
Rose: You mean that little pie?
Blanche: Little pie? Little pie? You ate my tuna kish? (she grabs Rose and starts shaking her) YOU ATE MY TUNA KISH! YOU ATE MY TUNA KISH!
Dorothy: Blanche! Pull yourself together!
Blanche: Oh my God Rose, what did I just do?
Rose: THIS! (She grabs Blanche and begins shaking her)
Blanche: (haughtily) Well that's just fine, I'll have my shake then. (reaches in fridge for her shake) Where's my shake?
Rose: Well, I needed something to wash down the little pie...
Blanche: (throwing hands in the air and walking out of the kitchen) Just shut up! Just shup up you bubble headed bleached blonde...uh, uh,
(Dorothy and Rose glare at Sophia after Blanche storms out)
Sophia: What? She needed a B!
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